my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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