I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
