??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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