A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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