I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
