Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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