why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I want to be your penis for a week.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
