In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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