nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
