After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
