bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
