This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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