I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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