we have officially lost it.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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