Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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