thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
