An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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