Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
only you would photoshop your dick
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
