she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
