so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
