I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
