My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
