I'm going to jail i love you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
