Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
