Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
