I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
