Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
