if i can run in heels then i can drive
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
