I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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