I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
