i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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