So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
