i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
