not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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