I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
