I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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