I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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