people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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