OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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