I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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