Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
