we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
