My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
