Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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