Is it normal to miss your booty call?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
