just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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