i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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