We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You took a bar mat shot.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
