At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
