Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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